Listening better

I have a habit of looking at my dog and talking in a “dog” voice. “Yum that chimkin sure lookin good”. It really gives me a lot of enjoyment. I don’t really know why. It’s a bad habit that would probably weird out any house guests that we have.

Then I discovered that there are scores of people that do the same thing and post videos on instagram about it. And, I can scroll through instagram enjoying doge memes. It’s not healthy. And lastly, I hate to admit it, but I understand why Christophe talks to his reindeer. We all are doing that stuff. There’s something completely, uniquely human about talking. I even talk to myself!

But sometimes all that talking is just too much. We are just TOO GOOD at talking. Let’s get better at listening. We could all hone our listening skills a fair bit. When people are struggling with OCD, anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, they need to be heard. That comes first. That’s hard to do. Before advice or opinions, listening comes first. So let’s agree to prize listening; to restore its place at the center of connecting and talking to each other.

Listening well involves something obvious - hearing what people say. And something not so obvious - telling and showing the person that you hear them. Giving your attention is a precious gift! Give it generously. Some problems are not fixable, or aren’t fixable right now. That is exactly the time that we need to know we aren’t alone. We need to know that someone sees and hears us. Sees what we are going through. We aren’t struggling and suffering alone. When someone listens - I don’t feel as alone. It may not get rid of my ache, but yes, something does feel different, perhaps my ache feels more bearable.

Listening isn’t passive. It’s work! Im not analyzing or evaluating or interpreting when I am listening. I am focused, attentive. I am communicating I am listening by saying things like “Sounds like you are saying....” or “I hear you”. When we listen actively, we encourage conversation with open questions - we inquire. The vibe is gentle, and we don’t press or push. I know it sounds cliche, but I like to listen with some open questions like “when that happened, how did that feel?” Also, asking with a “how” is ALOT better than a “why”. Most of us don’t like “why did you do that?” We like “Oh no! how did that happen?” a little more. It’s hard to feel heard if I am spending time trying to defend myself.

Problem solving, blaming - do you know who did this? Sometimes we just want to figure out who screwed up. We want someone to take responsibility or the blame. That’s fine - but it isn’t good listening. If you want to getter better at listening, put the blaming hat away for a while and put on the “I hear ya” hat. Sometimes it’s a relief to just not have to talk as much. We can listen too.